inside me is full of pain inside me there is constant rain and nothing to gain. My outter shell is filled with humour and scarcasim.inside I feel so alone with my thoughts.I'm starting to return to old habbits like burning and cutting myself.I'm so fucked up. can't swim or wear shorts or skirts without having kids look at my fucking legs and point to them while asking there parents why I have so many wounds.I burned my arm last week with a lighter last week and my parents asked what's on my arm and I say I was scratching a moquito bite.(bull shit) the truth is that same night I was cutting the dead skin off my arm with a razorblade and watching it bleed and woundering weather I should end it or stay in this miserable world.I repress all my tears and my fucking fears I hate cops secuirity guards and hospitals.I gave away my blades and lighters today but kept my swiss army knife incase I needed it.I hate myself so much.I just had to have that knife.I'm thinking of taking the barbecue lighter and burning with that or grabbing a razor in the shower and just slicing as far as I can.I thought of hanging myself as well as taking all my pills I have told people that I have them all in my bag because I don't have time in the morning to sit down and take them so I take them when I'm sitting on the bus I really am keeping there just incase these days i still have a major urge to hurt myself it scares the shit out of me somwtimes but then I realise I maybe better off where I go or reincarnate into something better.it's hard to believe but it's true I'm tired of explaining and tired of suffering it needs to end somewhere.I keep holding my swissarmy knife up to my wrist and pressing reeally hard and holding it there,one day I might slip and oops ;) I sound like a freak but this is how I feel and I hate the hospital I'm petrified of it so I won't go I'd rather die then be dragged to the ER again and be tied down like and annimal and injected with ddrugs to knock me the fuck out.I've been told to shut up about so many things and that I was stupid and fucked up and dirty damn it I can't do this these fucking flashbacks are awful I want to scream but can't and I must maintain composure and pretend that everything inside is ok ...FUCK IT ALL I'M FED UP!!!